Get a new therapist (The Goal List 2018)

2018, mental health, personal growth, the-goal-list

This post is part of my series on The Goal List, where I write about each goal I set and achieved in 2018.

The goal in question

Get a new therapist

Why this goal?

2017 was a rough year emotionally, and I spent most of it in survival mode. When I wrote The Goal List, I felt that I hadn’t been healing from the trauma of 2017 at an “acceptable” rate. I’d recently had some heated conversations with my therapist of four years, and felt convinced she needed to take a more active role in my progress.

This goal was predicated on the assumption that she wasn’t doing enough. That assumption was, I see now, very wrong. The reality is that healing takes time and safety, neither of which I had given myself.

How did I accomplish it?

I had reservations about this goal, so I never actually took any measures to break up with my therapist. I continued to see her through a frustrating period of emotional “stuckness,” when I felt that I surely wouldn’t ever be happy. Then something funny happened: I got happier. I attribute this very directly to The Goal List, and each of the items on it. Working toward goals made me feel directed, successful, socially fulfilled, and absolutely in charge of my own destiny.

By spring, I felt confident and resilient enough to start tapering off daily anti-depressants for the first time in almost 10 years. Each time I chopped a couple milligrams off my dose, I felt as if I had pulled a tiny bit of cotton out of my ears. I took my final minutely chopped pill in early September.

Then, in mid-December, my therapist and I agreed I didn’t need her help anymore. I never foresaw this happening, nor did I consciously work toward ending therapy. I consciously worked toward many other things (better emotional regulation skills, a stronger relationship with my intuition, better relationships with my friends and family, a fulfilling and creative career, and a cohesive and supportive community, to name a few!), and self-sustaining mental health tumbled after them almost as an afterthought.